Every Outfit I Wore While Being Extremely Self-Conscious

Despite writing about confidence, quite a bit. Talking about being okay with being alone, making mistakes, growing up, and being real. I am self-conscious. I tend to have that feeling a lot. Last week were the leading days to the Fourth of July. And I love the fourth, but I had no plans. Yes, plans were made, but everyday prior to the big day I had this weird feeling in my stomach. I was definitely dehydrated, sad I wasn’t spending the Fourth how I do every year, I really haven’t made many friends being down here, and I was stressed out planning my launch party. I mean every single day I am working on something. I did do that to myself though, and I refuse to let myself down. Anyways, I wanted to share every single outfit I wore and how I was feeling. What led me to pick that outfit, boring or cute.

July 1st.

I had absolutely nothing to do. I was feeling lazy and extremely tired from the sun. I had spent the day prior laying out at a dog beach. It sounds fun until the dog you're watching comes up and shakes his wet hair all over you every 5 minutes. Whatever, I ended up wearing a navy blue tank top, grey sweat pants, and my glasses. My hair was completely unstyled and I remember trying to do my makeup because I was breaking out so badly but I washed it off and cried. I was so upset. Why am I still getting acne? I thought I dealt with that when I was 14. I am so over it. Anyways, I tried to find creative ways to make some content without getting my face in it, and then I remade the one about me styling a boring outfit about 4 times. This might all sound dramatic, and to be fair I am just that, but this all really happened. Anyways, my energy was down, my outfit was down, and I was feeling disgusting.

July 2nd.

I opened this morning. It was actually a great shift. I worked with one of my favorite coworkers and we had fun, I think. But, that fun I think we had I actually question. A lot. I wonder if I had fun and she just thought I was annoying. Whatever I think that a lot of the time. I wore a red tank top that I love, I definitely over wear it, but I love it. I also wore some nicely fitted jeans. Probably the pair I’ve owned longest. I had a very odd day. I sat in bed most of it (after my shift) and tried to design a page for the magazine. It looked awful and I ended up just making Aperol Spritz. They were tasty and I was drunk, I didn’t work the next day. I picked up Mikey (my boyfriend) after he was getting drinks with a friend. This was before I started drinking. I think. Honestly my days are all kind of blurred, but I think I’m right about how the day went. We were watching this dog still and I felt bad because I wasn’t giving him that much attention, but he seemed fine! He was very tired out from earlier in the day. A walk and a little play time at the dog park.

July 3rd.

The day leading up to the Fourth. Quite a big deal. Not really. I had my first free event. I got the opportunity to go biking FOR FREE! I just had to post a couple of cute videos, which I did, and boom. Anyways, I actually did spend the night before freaking out about what to wear and getting mad at my boyfriend for telling me a dress isn’t a bike outfit. I wore it anyways. So, on the 3rd I woke up and got dressed in a cute polka dot dress. I did wear spandex underneath, but throughout the bike ride I felt weird. Not about filming in public, I didn’t even care about that. Mikey told me some girls were mean girling me and I got so insecure. Like does nobody notice that these are shorts and not underwear? In the middle of the bike ride I also got told that the dog tore up my favorite flip flops. What. The. Fuck. I was so upset and I felt like my day was ruined because yes, that’s how emotional I am. I went home, realized I actually did have an amazing time, and got over the flip flops.

July 4th.

I worked. I worked in the morning and was off around 2:30. Pretty great shift. It went by super fast because it was so busy, but I woke up late so I didn’t do my makeup or my hair, and I’m in this weird place with my hair that makes me feel like if I don’t style it, it looks bad. But I had a festive headband and things to look forward to. Like getting my shift for the 5th covered because I knew I wanted to party. Normal Claire would’ve planned, but I honestly thought I was going to be alone and sad on the 4th, so I didn’t bother. Until I wasn’t and needed it covered. So, I got it covered, and went home. I got ready for the party and ended up in the simplest outfit ever. A white tank top with baggy jeans. My tank top did expose the most embarrassing tattoo I had ever gotten, but I didn’t even care. These people weren’t my friends, they were just people I may or may not see again. So I went. I pregamed, which helped with any anxiety I had, I drank more with my boyfriend and his sister, and then I stayed out until 4:00. A.M. Like. What? Other people may not remember, but I remember everything. I felt so embarrassed on Saturday. Let’s talk about that.

July 5th. Scary Saturday.

Instead of the Sunday Scaries, it was the worst Scary Saturday. I was thinking about how annoying I was, loud, nosey, vulnerable. Ugh. I am still thinking about it today. But you know what? It’s okay. I will continue to think about it for months probably, but it’s not as bad as blacking out in front of my aunt and uncle. Or as bad as going into a dance circle, then starting to dance as soon as the song changes. I’ve done both of those things, and it makes me feel better about how messed up I was on Friday night, it doesn’t make me feel better about how bad things went down in those other two situations.

Moral of the story is that I get self conscious. And when I do, I get dressed up. Maybe it’s not over the top, and maybe it’s basic. But it helps me feel more confident. If I can move around comfortably and learn to have fun in a room full of people I’ll never see again, I know it’ll be okay.