Let’s All Crave Male Validation Together

Growing up, I feel as if I was taught that there was a specific way to exist in the world. It involved me looking a certain way and pleasing a certain demographic. That was men, obviously. I didn’t realize it then, but when I think back, it was like this invisible manual that came with me at birth. One that promised me love and admiration if I followed the path of female desirability. It seemed like the only logical way to move forward. Yet, here I am, writing this piece, all too aware that this desire for male validation still pulses beneath the surface of my psyche, even when I’ve supposedly “evolved” past it. It’s almost like a bad habit for most of us, a reflection, one that is harder to knock than nicotine, maybe. So, let’s be honest and have a discussion about why we crave male validation, and why it’s been ingrained in us from childhood, and why some of us are lucky enough to wake up to the fact that we don’t need it at all. We don’t all wake up to the beautiful reality at the same time, and I think that’s where the real story is.

In the beginning most of us are taught to perform. Think about it, what is the first compliment most of us young girls receive? Was it about your intellect? Hell no. It was probably about your looks. “You’re so pretty,” “You’re so sweet.” The word pretty was the passport to being seen, to being loved by some, and to being valuable by most. But the question is always there, are you pretty enough? It doesn’t take long for young girls to learn that the most important thing they can be is desirable. Why be smart or strong when it is all about that male gaze. That is what measures your worth! Maybe nobody told us that directly, but it’s the way I fear a lot of us felt, or feel. And somewhere, deep inside, we knew that boys, men, the opposite sex- they held the keys to the kingdom.

The desire for approval doesn’t fade as we grow up, in fact, it becomes insidious, quietly following us like a shadow throughout our teenage years and into adulthood. We start to do our hair a certain way, buying clothes that show off the features we got told were best on us, and saying the right thing to make sure we’re seen, but not too seen. Don’t get silly. It’s a total balancing act, trying to be the perfect amount of desirable, without being desperate. Then, eventually you reach your twenties, where you realize the world has shifted and no one has actually figured out the rules. It hasn’t stopped most of us from trying though.

This is also where it starts to get messy. As much as we like to think we are all supporting and lifting each other up, the truth is there is that there’s an unspoken need for male validation that will often turn us into competitors rather than allies. It’s like a subtle game, one where women are taught to fight for spotlight, the attention, the praise, and the affection of men. The rules to this game are really simple actually. There can only be one winner. Society doesn’t want us to collaborate, to bond over shared experiences of womanhood, it wants us to see each other as competition. Why else would we compare ourselves to “Instagram girls,” the ones who seem to have it all together, the ones who always seem to be chosen? It’s a never ending cycle. We tear each other down to rise up, even if that means sacrificing the very friendships and sisterhoods that could help us thrive. The more we’re taught to seek validation, the more we start to measure our worth not just against men, but against each other. It isn’t liberation, its division.

It only deepens the myth that there’s only a limited amount of space for us at the top. We become our own worst enemies, vying for attention in a race where the finish line is always moving. And no, the prize isn’t normally ours to keep.

So, when does it end? Maybe it’s that one moment when you realize that you’ve spent the last decade running after something that was never sustainable. Maybe its an awful, gut-wrenching breakup, or some failed talking stage that hurt you more than an ex. Maybe it’s just a moment of self-reflection in front of that piece of cake at midnight. You just think to yourself, wondering why you’ve spent so much time trying to impress people who don’t even see you. It’s a slow realization for most of us, but when it hits it’ll be different every time. For some people it happens after a couple of toxic relationships where the validation was leaving you feeling empty. For some people it’ll happen when you see a perfect girl on Tik Tok and think- Who even cares about these things? Here’s the kicker though, just because you realize it, doesn’t mean everyone does. So, while some of us are finding our true selves, learning how to say goodbye to the male gaze, others are still going to be grasping onto that validation like it’s the last piece of thread holding them together.

No one ever actually tells you when it’s supposed to stop. There’s no age that you just get it. Sometimes it’ll last your whole life, some will realize it before they graduate. The difficult thing is that sometimes the world is going to punish you for realizing that you’ve been playing a game that was never worth winning, and that is totally fine, because you get to be free.

So, now you don’t need that male validation. Maybe you don’t need any validation at all, but honestly, it’s nice to be liked. It feels nice to be admired and to know that someone finds you pretty or interesting. But, let’s be clear, there’s a different between appreciating validation and depending on it for your self-worth. It’s the difference between loving yourself and needing someone else to love you. That is the moment that the code is cracked… Because there is no one that can ever validate you enough to make you feel complete. That’s something that only you can do for yourself. As soon as this is in your mind, you stop chasing after the validation of everyone, and especially men. You stop doing things for the approval of a man and start doing things for your own approval.

Let’s all crave male validation together, not. Let’s stop chasing that one thing that will never satisfy us. Let’s stop measuring ourselves against impossible standards set by men who have no clue who we are. Let’s start chasing the one thing that matters. Our self-love. Our ability to exist without apology. It’ll be a long journey for most of us, but the sooner you find all of this out, the sooner you can leave your house without a care. Once you do, you’ll never crave validation again.