Moving Up and Out

I have been thinking a lot about the difference between where I grew up and where I am now. More specifically, the feelings both places give me. I just wanted to get some things out in the open, and I want to be honest about my experience in moving out. It hasn’t been easy, especially if you aren’t completely prepared, like I. So, here we will be talking about what’s changed. What it took for me to feel comfortable here, finding people you like, finding things you like, and doing it without the people that you found and liked! I know I have been talking about being alone a lot recently, which is weird because I constantly feel surrounded this month, but I have also been able to find so much peace, and I just want to share that with everyone.

Alaska. What a large and lonely state. Honestly, growing up in such a small community was so hard, others found it easy. For example, my cousin loves that place. He has always been able to find peace in the mountains and remained close with his childhood pals. In my mind, things always came easy to him, which as I grew up, I found to be untrue, the only difference between us at the time is that he gave many less fucks than I did. While I was caring about everything a little too much and overthinking every word that was spoken to or about me, I feel like I struggled to keep friends, find things that I was truly passionate about, and stay busy. When I was 15-years old I was pretty sad. At the time I would’ve said depressed, and maybe I was, but looking back, it felt like it lasted a week. My mom would say it was because of my boyfriend at the time, and she was probably right, but in my little, undeveloped mind, I thought it was because of Alaska. The snow, the endless hours of darkness, and the undying urge to leave and not being able to for another 3 years. That’s when I decided to graduate early and go to college in New York City! So, I did just that… Almost. I did graduate early, I even ugly cried at my graduation in front of a ton of strangers, but when it came to college, NYC was expensive, and I was unprepared. Then, once again devastated. I found ways to get there when my family would go over to the east coast, but in the mean time I made the most amazing friends.

Friends change everything. I mean truly, if I hadn’t gotten close to the people I now hold so closely to my heart, I would’ve proceeded to have such a deranged image of Alaska to this day. These friends of mine and I would talk about things I had constantly thought about, but never had the nerve to say out loud. I mean I think I had my first actual conversation about porn with these people. That’s a big deal in my mind. We would sit around fires and play the guitar, and we drank a lot. I felt like I was finally apart of something that I didn’t even want to be apart of. These people were so different because they were raw. I never had to worry that I was making a fool of myself, I never had to think about how they could be talking behind my back, and I knew if I needed someone, they’d be there. The craziest thing is that Alaska didn’t change one bit. Alaska was still full of dark days, snow, and time alone. Except everything was a bit more enjoyable. Those times I had alone, I now loved! I was excited to write about my experiences and realizations I had the night before, I was excited to dress in layers, and weirdly my sleeping problems got better, I don’t know if that was just an age thing or what, but it helped. With all of that being said, by the time it came to leaving, I didn’t really want to as much. I knew I had to because opportunity is still very limited, and I have always dreamt of living literally anywhere else, so I had to show myself that I could do it, but I missed my friends. I mean constantly. I did drive down in a van with two of my best friends, who are the best people I have ever met, but it just felt different.

Driving down the coast was perfect. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I took so much time offline that I felt so free. It sounds cliche, but if I had service the whole drive and didn’t have people I enjoyed spending time with, I don’t think I would’ve learned as much.

So, now I am in San Diego. It took a little bit of time and planning to get an apartment, and if my boyfriend didn’t have such a kind sister, we would’ve been stuck sleeping in the van during August heat for longer than I would’ve liked. We got an apartment, our friend was staying with us and my boyfriend and I signed a lease. It was very impulsive and maybe a little stupid, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Eventually, it was time for our friend and my boyfriend to leave.

Also, my friend is my cousin, and his name is Gavin. My boyfriend, the other best friend, is named Mikey. I don’t like calling them “friend.”

So, Gavin and Mikey both left within the same day, which left me totally alone in California for the first month (Mikey was working a month in Alaska, and then a month off). I got this stupid marketing job and met one of the most in touch and intelligent girls ever, Simone. Honestly, it was kind of awkward, and despite us now being very close, we didn’t hangout outside of work for the first month. I had other friends from Alaska that went to college here that I partied with, and yes, they’re very sweet and kind, but it felt wrong because I already knew them! The whole point of leaving for me was to meet new people and make a life on my own, and if I knew someone from Alaska down here, it felt like a cheat at the time. Which I now think is untrue, I was figuring a lot of shit out then.

The months September through December, I didn’t really feel like myself. I was working out, having fun, loving the beach, but I still felt fake. Then, December came and I went to Alaska for Christmas. Honestly, I didn’t have a lot of fun being back up there. My mom and I were fighting, understandably, I mean she’s my mom. And nothing felt the same. I saw my friends, but I felt like I was putting on this weird act, like I had to have on a different personality up there because the person I was in San Diego wasn’t the person I was in Alaska. That’s when things kind of changed for me. Mikey was now living full time in San Diego and I realized I didn’t really like the person I was becoming. I got called out for being a sheep and that stuck with me, and I realized I kind of was being a sheep. I was agreeing with everyone. Like what the fuck happened to my own opinion? I still can’t find the reason why I felt the need to put on this persona, but it ended after January,

It did take more time alone than I had in Alaska, but to be fair in Alaska I had 16-years of feeling that way. It took saying random things that came to mind out loud, even if it sounded stupid. A lot of journaling, thrifting, and just going back to my roots. I mean really, the things I did up in Alaska are completely transferable to San Diego. If you know me, you know I don’t do shit in the snow. It was a slow but gradual return to reality, and I have never felt better.